Honesty
by HR always live on
Summary: Set series 10, closely following the plot on screen but with a little bit of what should have happened. HR again, one shot


**A one shot that demanded to be written. Set in 10:3, and following the on screen storyline mostly. I apologise if I've got anything wrong but I haven't seen S10 for a while because I want to slap Elena every time I watch it. Please leave a review, thank you :-)**

* * *

Ruth walked into Harry's office. "I'm going home. Unless you need anything?" she asked calmly

"Yes," he said and she closed the door without waiting to be asked.

"What is it?"

"I've arranged to pick up the messages from Elena tomorrow. But I can't go myself. I can't be seen with her again so soon after our first meeting. I hate to ask you this but would you…?"

"Yes, I'll go," she said in a cold voice. She turned to leave but he called her back

"Ruth…"

"I'll be there," she said, trying not to look him in the eye. He hated doing this to her. He could only guess at how much it was hurting her because he knew it was hurting himself too. "Where?"

"The National Gallery," Harry said, wishing she'd look at him. "Midday tomorrow. I'd ask someone else but you're the only person I trust." That did it, and her eyes snapped to him instantly.

She didn't speak for a moment and he could tell from the look on her face that she was thinking something through to herself. So he stayed silent, waiting for her to make her mind up. "I want to talk to you," she said quietly. "Away from here. Away from the secrets and lies. Will you meet me later?"

"Of course," he said. He couldn't deny a request from her after everything she'd done for him over the years. "Where?"

"St James Park. The bench we use for our low level intel handovers," Ruth supplied instantly. Harry nodded.

"I have to call Towers but I'll be there as soon as I can be." Ruth nodded and left his office, looking downcast. He watched as she put her coat on and left the grid, not speaking to anyone and looking at the floor. He'd done that to her. Taken away her lightness with his past and history coming back to haunt them both. He hated what he'd done to her, and he would make this phone call with the Home Secretary as quick as possible. He owed her that.

* * *

The chill became more acute the longer she sat there waiting for Harry. She knew talking to him about the state of their non relationship was the right thing to do, because not talking hadn't gotten them anywhere. She had refrained from inviting him over to her house, because if he gave her is "Havensworth look" she didn't know if she'd have the willpower to resist. And one night of passionate sex wouldn't solve any of their problems, no matter how good it might feel in the short term. And Ruth was convinced that it would feel good. A man didn't have that many previous lovers without being skilled in the bedroom. Much to her embarrassment should it ever be discovered, she'd looked in his files and case studies, wondering how many other Elena's were hiding in the woodwork. There were quite a few other women, other lovers he'd been with and she hated it. But she hated the fact she felt jealous in the first place.

Tonight she was going to be honest with him. And she hoped with all her heart that he'd return the favour. No matter how much it might hurt, she could live with the truth. She would get over it in time. No, she probably wouldn't, but it would be better to know. "Have you been here long?" Harry asked as he sat next to her.

"I don't know," she said truthfully. "I've been thinking."

"I don't doubt it," he said. "What is it?"

"Firstly, I want to tell you that whatever is discussed here tonight, I will go to see Elena tomorrow. Its my job, and as my boss you have every right to ask me to do it. So I will even if I don't like it."

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "There's no one else I trust. I know it must be… uncomfortable for you."

"That's putting it mildly," she said. "Secondly I want you to promise me to tell me the truth. I need to hear the truth not well intentioned lies. I deserve that Harry."

"You do," he agreed. "I'll be honest. What do you want to know?"

"Are you in love with Elena Gavrik?" Ruth asked before she could lose her nerve.

"No." He spoke so quickly that she thought he was lying and he seemed to realise it. "I haven't given her much thought in years. I am not in love with her."

"Were you?" Ruth asked.

"I don't know," Harry said, not facing her. "I was married to a woman I didn't love any longer. And she was so different to my wife and it was exciting being a real spy for one of the first times in my career. Doing a long case abroad, gaining assets and intelligence. She was young, beautiful and full of life. Forced into marrying a man she didn't love. She lived for the moment. I'm not sure if I loved her or if she was just a breath of fresh air for my life at the time. I don't know, and I'll never be able to answer that Ruth." She nodded, grateful for his honesty. It _was_ better than lies.

"Harry, I love you." He turned to look at her, eyes wide. She had said it so simply. So easily that he was amazed that she had finally voiced it. "But I don't know how you feel about me. I know I'm valued at work," she continued as he gave signs of interrupting. "I know you like my company and I'm good at my job. But I don't know if it goes deeper. I know it used to. Once. I need you to tell me how you feel. And don't lie because you think its what I want to hear, or you just want to keep me on your good side because I'll become useful. Please Harry." Her eyes were shining with unshed tears and he wondered how much courage it had taken for her to say that.

He reached across the gap and held her hand gently. So gently that she could pull away if she wished. "I hate what I'm doing to you," he said quietly. "Every time her name is mentioned I see you grow colder and more distant. And I hate it. I feel like I'm driving away the one person I need most. My past is hurting you and I can't bear it. Which is why I've not been talking to you as I used to. I'm trying to shield you from some of this mess with the Gavrik's. But I can't. As much as I personally would like you as far away from them as possible, professionally I can't. I love you too."

"Don't say that if you don't mean it…" Ruth said, shaking her head.

"I do mean it," he said. With his free hand he tilted her chin upwards so he could look her in the eye. "Ruth, I mean it. I love you. I haven't touched another woman in ten years. I haven't wanted to, because I only want you. That's as honest as I can be."

She didn't have it in her to smile, waiting for his next move. Very slowly he leaned in and brushed his lips against hers. She responded eagerly in spite of herself. She'd imagined his kiss for years and now it was happening. All too soon he let go and she felt the cold air on her face again as her eyes opened. "I have to ask," she said quietly. "How do I know you mean it? I'm sure you've said similar to dozens of women over the years."

"Ruth, I do mean it. But I have a tell and its caused me problems when I was younger and undercover let me tell you. It's the way I kiss you." He leaned in to demonstrate and she let him, wondering what she was letting herself in for. He kissed her deeply but impersonally. Almost clinically in his expertise. It was like he was touching anyone, not thinking about her at all. She didn't like this kiss from him and drew back. He smiled slightly before kissing her again. This time it was much softer. Gentler, full of love. And she could feel the difference. This was real. This was Harry kissing her so exquisitely that she responded to him and never wanted to let go. Her complicated and a little bit broken Harry, but hers none the less. When he let go she was breathless. "I mean it," he repeated.

Rut nodded, this time fully accepting it. "Thank you."

"Where do we go from here?" Harry asked.

"I don't know," Ruth said. She squeezed his hand once and then let go, her eyes returning to the darkness around them, night now properly fallen.

"I should go home," Harry said. "The dog needs feeding. Do you want to come back?"

"No," she said firmly. He frowned at her. "I'm not ready for that. Not yet."

He looked confused only a moment longer before it clicked. "I was only thinking for tea or coffee," he said.

"I don't trust my self control," Ruth replied. "Especially after that kiss." Harry smirked at her.

"I'll go then. I'll see you at work." Ruth nodded as Harry left her but she stayed seated. Her lips were still warm and slightly bruised from his kisses. She relived them for several minutes but soon fear about meeting Elena tomorrow crept back in. And she knew sleep would be far from her tonight.


End file.
